OK.. SO.. Time to ramble a load of crap!

So I am sitting here and I know that now is as good a time as any to confess what's going on in my mind. If there is anyone I can tell, it's my sister. I don't want to do this on my own and getting to do anything with her fills me with so much excitement, I am ready to do this so bad.

I can tell Lee anything, I know I can.. but I wouldn't ever want him to know how much I weigh or read any of this. I'd die of embarrassment.

The last time I weighed myself I was a MASSIVE 20 stones 2lb. It is probably even more then that because I was using Lee's nans crap scales. I can't even believe it's me. I weight 7-8 stones more than when I first met Lee and I feel ashamed about it every single day.

I can get over that, I don't ever look in mirrors and I don't go clothes shopping. I just ignore who I am. That isn't living, that's just existing and it's a waste of life. I'm 26 and my life is vanishing before my eyes. This is the pic that I can't even stand to look at:

This is the outfit where I thought I looked alright but when the photographs come back I was ashamed that people had seen me like this. This one was the best photograph out of all of them. I deleted about 10. All those Christmas memories, deleted. I was so upset. Did I diet like I promised myself? No. Did I do anything...NO. Two years have passed since then and I am sad that I wasted two years just making do.

In a way I feel scared to diet. I know all this skin will be saggy and disgusting. I know my boobs are already saggy and empty enough without losing the fat. I can't believe I let myself get like this.

I want to change because I don't want to give bad habits to the kids and because I am going to die if I carry on. It's not just the heart risks, it's the liver that worries me every single day. I eat nothing all day every day and then at night I have takeaways or pizzas and cakes. Portions big enough for a family. I can't say I don't enjoy the food, I love food.. but I worry every second about what my insides are getting like. For 5 years now I have told myself it will be ok because tomorrow I will stop and 5 years I have been abusing my body. I don't want to get to a point where it's too late to go back.

I never ever want to bring any pain or suffering to my family.

And then there is the whole cosmetic thing. I want to go shopping and choose things I love and actually bear to look at myself in the mirror. I havent done that for so many years now. I want to tell Lee what size I am for special gifts and also be able to buy lingerie that fits me and feel good in them. I want to be the best wife I can and I feel like I am cheating him out of what I used to be.

I want to be fit and healthy for the kids and have so much energy so the house is always looking good. I need to lose weight so that I can have my operation more safely.

So there you go. There's a load off my mind.

I'm going to go with Slimming world I think but it's all changed now. I'll make a meal plan and write it here when it's done.

I'm going to use boots weighing scales and I will post my weight here every single monday without fail. I want to do this.